You knew it wouldn’t be long before I stirred things up a bit.
Penelope Trunk, a career blogger and a participant of my Beautiful Project, is almost live blogging her abusive relationship with her husband. Last week she posted a shocking image of her with bruises (warning: it may be more than you want to see of her nether regions).
It’s her follow up post that I’m calling my “great thought” moment of the day, but not really because of the content. Whether or not you agree with her decision on this hot button topic, you can agree that unkindness never helps anyone. Reading the post really changed my day and made me want to be better. Penelope talks about the comments that she got from the first post. It is eye-opening how harsh people let themselves be. People, we have got to treat each other better.
I’ve spent days reading the 500 comments on my blog and the comments about my situation on other blogs, and I’m absolutely shocked by the collective hatred and disdain for women who are in violent relationships.
Here’s what someone said on my blog: “Victims of domestic abuse suck at pressing charges.”
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For some reason, people feel it is honorable to rip a woman to shreds if she is living with domestic violence. Here’s an example from the comments section on James Altucher’s blog:
“[Penelope Trunk is] out of her mind to think that her children are not being abused. She, in fact, is as guilty of that abuse as the farmer that beats her.”
The high-and-mightiness that emanates from the public discussion of domestic violence is breathtaking. Everyone is an expert. Everyone knows what’s right.
There are excellent awareness blogs out there, like Violence Unsilenced. And yes, Penelope might be known as being a bit unstable… and certainly when you are in a situation like she is in, you can’t think clearly. Penelope is reaching a different audience than the awareness blogs, one that is likely full of higher education and oriented toward career success. Perhaps it is the us versus them orientation — people don’t want to acknowledge that domestic abuse happens just about anywhere. It isn’t something for the other side of the tracks.
This post caused me to really think. It was painful to read the side that isn’t often vocalized. That’s why I’m sharing it.
“It’s not your fault” completely limits a woman’s choices, because you are saying that she is powerless to control the situation. And if you tell every woman “it’s not your fault” then they can’t improve. How do women get better at not creating a violent household? Probably by changing their behavior. This doesn’t mean “always tiptoe around your spouse and become a mouse”. But it can mean a wide range of positive changes.
It just jumped out at me how mean people were to someone who was clearly in need of compassion. People, we are so mean to one another and we end up hurting when we mean to protect. We need not be harsh when one is struggling, especially when it is evident that they are hurting.
I might be totally off though. What do you think? Are we right in trying to give people a wake up call?
I’ve never read her blog before, so I come from a very limited perspective of who she is and what her situation is like. Of course there are many people who use the anonymity of the internet to say cruel things. But after reading what I did, I am worried for her. Yes, there are two sides to every story, and yes, she may be doing some self-destructive and/or passive aggressive behavior that triggers him. However, it’s not okay. It’s a dangerous situation for her. It’s a dangerous situation for her children. It’s emotionally destructive for everyone involved, it seems.
While many people have annoying behaviors, most people do not abuse their spouses because of those annoying behaviors. It’s not normal. It’s not healthy. It’s hard to see that within the relationship though, and I think a lot of those comments were meant to be tough love/wake-up call type things.
I also want to clarify that I actually didn’t read very many of the comments. So it’s likely that I missed many really mean ones. I was too focused on what seemed to me to some dysfunctional thought processes from both spouses.
I also had never read her blog before, but after reading that post and the skimming the comments that followed it, I was appalled at how people responded to it. Of course it’s a difficult topic to read about (and much more difficult to experience and then write about), but there was absolutely no reason for people to be so harsh, especially the comments about the picture that she posted.
She said in her follow up post that “It’s much harder to see the issue from the person’s perspective who has the issue.” and I think that’s exactly what’s happening here. People are terrified to think about domestic violence happening to them. It’s easier for them to say, this happens once and get out than to think about the fact that she obviously has a complicated relationship with her abuser and that there is some sort of love there. I’m not saying that she’s right or wrong in what she’s doing, simply that we as readers need to respect the fact that she’s doing the best she can and to do what we can to support her. The last thing this woman needs is more judgement and abuse.
This is exactly the message I was going for. You worded it much better!
I read this too last week or so. It was something I had never thought about… but yet, most of what she writes about are things I’ve never thought about. I’m glad she’s able to write about other things no one is, because it puts it out there, and gets people talking. If anything, hopefully it will open eyes to how much people really need support and kindness from other people. I think there’s always going to be someone not agreeing with another’s point of view, but we will need to be there for them.
reading that post and the comments after were devastating. I agree with you… I think unless you have been a victim of abuse yourself it is difficult to understand but in no way shape or form should it ever be okay to condescend or judge or belittle someone who is struggling. No matter what.
Provide them with a “loving” wake-up call, a decision having previously been made with prayer.
Domestic violence perpetrators are perpetrators. Their behavior is criminal and unacceptable. What they do to their victims, is slowly sap away the victim’s sense of power through the use of abuse and a codependent relationship in order to be able to control them. It’s an extremely dangerous situation. It’s completely unhealthy, and even if the perpetrator and victim thinks there’s love there, there’s not. It’s a sham, and what actually exists is sickness. And it’s painful for everyone involved – including those who have to watch.
That being said, the only way to get a woman out is to encourage her and promote her sense of power – and the way you do that is NOT by using the same strategies her abuser uses to take away that sense of power and control. You listen. You encourage. You provide safe haven. You help her plan. You help her see that there’s a way out. You help her realize that she deserves better and expects better for herself and her children. And when she tries and fails and goes back to the MF-ing bastard, you let her know that while you respectfully disagree with her decision, you’re still there for her. You still believe she can build a better life for herself. You still believe that she deserves to be treated well. And you show her that, by actually treating her well.